Overwriting

To all the children I was compared to:

You are more than just a family friend or cousin to me

I have been thinking about you for years

At first involuntarily, 

now habitually 

Usually unknowingly.

You may not know it 

As you go on with your education, jobs, relationships, parenthood and whatever else you are doing

I am quietly stacking myself against you

Everything from my wealth to my weight and my mind and my skin 

You are so much better than me

My pillow is wet from my eternal inadequacy 

My fists are clenched in anger that breeds pain

Somewhere in between the hours of berating 

And seconds of adrenalin 

that rushed in every time I was slapped, punched, choked or shoved or across a room 

I somehow created a tape of put downs in my head

That reliably plays 

on every single one of my harder days 

even all these years and miles away 

I know you could “never imagine”

You might choose not to believe

I am just the over-sharing, crazy lady

It’s ok, I’m mainly speaking to those like me 

“I see you

I believe you

You are not alone

#metoo”

Press that red button 

I want to hear your voice