To all the children I was compared to:
You are more than just a family friend or cousin to me
I have been thinking about you for years
At first involuntarily,
now habitually
Usually unknowingly.
You may not know it
As you go on with your education, jobs, relationships, parenthood and whatever else you are doing
I am quietly stacking myself against you
Everything from my wealth to my weight and my mind and my skin
You are so much better than me
My pillow is wet from my eternal inadequacy
My fists are clenched in anger that breeds pain
Somewhere in between the hours of berating
And seconds of adrenalin
that rushed in every time I was slapped, punched, choked or shoved or across a room
I somehow created a tape of put downs in my head
That reliably plays
on every single one of my harder days
even all these years and miles away
I know you could “never imagine”
You might choose not to believe
I am just the over-sharing, crazy lady
It’s ok, I’m mainly speaking to those like me
“I see you
I believe you
You are not alone
#metoo”
Press that red button
I want to hear your voice
