Tall Person Problems

I am so far away from my own roots.

It is beautiful to see so much,

But I long for the dust and sludge,

For the worms and squirrels 

who shaped and constituted me.

So many millions of particles that make me up

which I can no longer tangibly feel. And

So many stories I am too far away to accidentally overhear…

No matter how much I ache for them,

They are no longer near.

Up high is the closest I have ever been to knowing just how imaginary I am. 

My hardened bark misses the sun that baked it.

The same sun that once seemed too intense to bear,

The same sun that called me away from my roots, shining upon me its bright ambition:

It seemed so far away then, and so enticing— to become a home for others, but

I did not know that when I became a mother would be when I’d most miss those that once homed me.

Our childhoods are spent so close to the ground.

Perhaps, that is why it is sacred to touch feet.

Roots are the most important part of even the tallest tree.

Just an Illness

 I wish you to know this if I ever die from it

The call to death is just a call to death

I did not die because I am mad at you

I died because death has been calling me

I am sorry if it happened when I was angry with you 

Maybe I’m not really sorry

But that is about my anger, not death’s dedicated line to me 

She calls when I’m happy, asking if it would be nice that this is my last day

She calls when I’m sick and tired, asking if I’d like to break away

She calls when I’m bored, she stalks me and meanders in when she sees the chance

She’s called me all the time, since I was just a little one.

It can get overwhelming sometimes, to keep saying no

It’s worse when she calls me in the middle of me feeling something I hate to feel the most 

She knows all my weaknesses, and she’s always there to shove me when I’m down

I know she’s not worth it

But it’s hard to see past something that is always around

I am vigilant and I am strong but I can’t be that all the time 

I’m not selfish

I’m not attention seeking 

It’s like catching an infection when you’re immune compromised

Medicines and routines and things can help until they don’t

You can try and try and try but sometimes it doesn’t work

I’m sorry if she got the better of me 

And you are reading this after I die

But please just try to celebrate my time on earth.

Burns

They say they loved me when I was a baby too

As if time or growth or your independence could ever stop me from loving you 

They tell me how much they do to keep us alive —and not send us to a home—

As if that is a scale to measure love on 

It is these things that clearly show

They are discussing something they have never known 

I wish they could see how much love it must be to hope after everything that they could feel what we feel 

So stuck on not wanting to be told they don’t know how to love that they miss the chance to experience it

So blind to the extent of my faith in them to weather the futility of trying them repeatedly

Such a bitter irony

The trying child of

parents who will not try for me

The cycle is broken but the circle is not 

Like a cold day in summer or a system reboot 

The path remains even after you change your shoes

At least you don’t have to carry this weight too

I will burn it down carefully, without scorching you

Living Proof

I knew you for years before I knew you.

You’ve been with me since I was born. 

This whole time

I’ve loved you and feared you and carried you

As I will the rest of my life.

I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that it’s all rather unbelievable

You were an imaginary friend for so long 

Before I literally made you up. 

My honey, my cheer, 

The person with whom I want to share all things I hold dear 

It is magical to know you and to have known you before you

You are wonderful and unreal

My new-new.

I am blessed to know this intimacy 

that overwhelms me.

Physics was once a man to me,

But no one teaches superimposition like a baby

History carefully twisted and folded down,

Block by block, link by link

into the most meaningful nothing

You are a quantum event

Silly of me not to see… 

I called it a biological clock

But that pit in my stomach was just me feeling the undeniable gravity

the potential energy

Of you.

You’ve existed forever as nothing

Now you are everything

It’s hard to explain but

I’m so lucky you helped me understand it.

Global Warning

Promises made to me are not promises at all, just noise that occurred in my presence

I am as human to you as another treasured tool, your iPhone perhaps

Maybe that’s why you think I should be extraordinarily grateful for any human right you afford me 

Maybe that’s why you are so incensed that I will not sit back quietly

You can keep punishing me

Didn’t anyone ever tell you that my skin won’t crack so easily? 

Satyagraha is my history.

We are still a chaotic mist teetering on the precipice of valid existence 

You can turn the heat up for a false bump with this sham recession 

(Should I die if I can’t earn a living?)

But it will be as short-lived as any pump and dump (P&D)

Global warming is melting away the pretense of “competing priorities”

In a poetic paradox 

We are slowly condensing into a cohesive sea of atomic affinity 

and direction 

Maybe not today 

But one day

I will be a tidal wave.

It’s already happening.

Suicidal

 Sometimes I dream that you’re dead

You are lying there lifeless

Pale and flaccid 

It’s the first time I feel peace around you

It feels strange to be in your presence 

Without any fear

To be seen and heard

Even with you in the room.

My mind is oddly quiet

No internal broadcast of the cruel things you’ve said or could say

No soundless screams of frustration

No tentative shivering about what might set you off

No breakneck evaluating of safe or unsafe to share

It’s just you and me in the moment

Maybe this is why I’ve always wanted to die 

In my sleep

Death feels a lot like love

Overwriting

To all the children I was compared to:

You are more than just a family friend or cousin to me

I have been thinking about you for years

At first involuntarily, 

now habitually 

Usually unknowingly.

You may not know it 

As you go on with your education, jobs, relationships, parenthood and whatever else you are doing

I am quietly stacking myself against you

Everything from my wealth to my weight and my mind and my skin 

You are so much better than me

My pillow is wet from my eternal inadequacy 

My fists are clenched in anger that breeds pain

Somewhere in between the hours of berating 

And seconds of adrenalin 

that rushed in every time I was slapped, punched, choked or shoved or across a room 

I somehow created a tape of put downs in my head

That reliably plays 

on every single one of my harder days 

even all these years and miles away 

I know you could “never imagine”

You might choose not to believe

I am just the over-sharing, crazy lady

It’s ok, I’m mainly speaking to those like me 

“I see you

I believe you

You are not alone

#metoo”

Press that red button 

I want to hear your voice